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Downtown, the Unbound Magazine's Horoscopes for Realists

Fearless Rick | 10/21/2012

For October, 2012

AIRES: Don't let people push you around. Take karate lessons and kick-boxing to deal quickly with office politics. Nothing like a swift groin kick to get your boss off your back. Also, don't overlook money problems at home. You can alleviate the situation by cutting off allowances for your bratty kids and maybe even feeding their cell phones to the trash compactor. The savings could be dramatic. Record the event on youtube and enjoy the amazing looks on your kids' faces.

TAURUS: Despite the fact that you are an unambiguous bore, try a little tenderness on your mate by sprinkling some meat tenderizer or lemon pepper on erogenous zones to make your intimate encounters more palatable. Being on time for work in the morning would also be a welcome change, but you can be counted on to not make a habit of it.

GEMINI: Anything you're feeling guilty about is certainly of your own making, so wallowing in self-pity is fitting at this point in your otherwise worthless existence. People blaming you for their problems are correct in pointing out that you are a self-serving SOB. Your lucky number is zero, equalling your capacity for empathy.

CANCER: Your personal finances need a kick-start, so knocking off a nearby convenience store could be in your stars. So could a lengthy prison sentence, so be sure to make your heist at an opportune time and wear a mask that has the image of a co-worker or local politician. Someone new may enter your life, probably he or she will be wearing a badge and carrying a gun.

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LEO: You feel good about yourself, but you are seriously delusional. Most of your friends talk behind your back about your appearance and your not-so-secret desire for cross-dressing. May be time to move to another country, preferably France, where weirdos like you are not only tolerated, but celebrated.

VIRGO: Someone from your past is still interested in you and may show up unannounced when you are least expecting it, so be sure to change your undies regularly, meaning far more often than your usual habit of every seven days or so. If this person does arrive in your life, make sure they're not carrying any sharp instruments or weapons, though a full-body cavity search is probably not necessary, even though you crave one badly.

LIBRA: You are a complete wimp and there's nothing you can do about it since you have proven to be afraid of just about everything. A solution arrives in the form of a mysterious package. It contains a pipe bomb. Kaboom! Problems solved.

SCORPIO: It's time for you to splurge. Buy a new car, don't make any payments on it and enjoy the next three months of motoring before the repossession agents come looking. Your adventurous nature leads to ruining your credit rating and making you the laughing stock of the neighborhood. Sucks to be you.

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SAGITTARIUS: It's time for you to deal honestly with relatives, so phone calls to the ones you hate are in order. Be diplomatic, but firm, telling them you never liked them and wish they'd move further away. You may find additional benefits of being written out a people's wills, like a life of abject poverty and food stamps.

CAPRICORN: You have a secret admirer, but, unfortunately, he or she is a stalker seeking to steal your identity. Good thing your credit cards are all maxed out and you have no assets worth anything. This time in your life could provide an opportunity for a fresh start, but you're actually too stupid to realize it.

AQUARIUS: Go for a nude swim at the club and see how many people will admire your fat, unsightly, aging flabby body. At the very least, you'll find out which of your friends may be interested in turning friendship into something more lasting, like regular visits to a shrink. Go for it. All you have to lose is your self-esteem, something you abandoned years ago.

PISCES: Work harder or you will be fired. Don't think your boss hasn't noticed that you are a consummate loafer and that you steal other people's lunches from the office fridge. Just for fun, make a number of obscene phone calls to the IRS or maybe the local police. They'll appreciate your whacky sense of humor while hauling you away.

Copyright 2012, 2013, Rick Gagliano, Downtown Magazine. All rights reserved. Downtown Magazine is located in the Uinted States of America and is specifically affiliated with Rochester1.com. For more information, contact us here. Use of this site is for entertainment purposes only. Any references to or similarities of actual persons, places or events is strictly coincidental.